#2 – More about self-examination

Hello!

In my first post, I talked about self-examination. Because this is such a hard subject for all of us, let’s talk more about this.

Before we can move forward in a positive way in our marriages and relationships, we need to look at ourselves and our behavior. What our spouse does or doesn’t do is irrelevant in many instances. We need to focus on our own behavior, as hard as that may be. 

Are we being loving, respectful, and kind? Do we complain about something the minute we see each other? Do we secretly hold a grudge for something that hasn’t been discussed? How is that affecting our relationships? 

These are questions we must answer if we’re going to move forward. I know in some relationships, it is extremely difficult not to cast blame. This is where we must get real with ourselves. I mean excruciatingly real. If we’re a B or a jerk, we need to acknowledge that and change it. Why do we want to live in misery when we can make the choice to change our behavior for the better?

Again, don’t focus on the other person’s behavior. We can only control our behavior, and we can do that. It’s a mindset. Taking personal responsibility for our words, actions, and responses will make all the difference in how we are seen and treated by others.

For example, if you know you made a mistake in some way, maybe you wrongly accused someone or you said something negative about someone, you must acknowledge to yourself first that you were in the wrong. If that person challenges you about it, and is ready for a fight, there is a way to handle it. Admit you were wrong and apologize. That usually stops any further attack. 

There is nothing to say when someone admits they were wrong, and they apologize. That will diffuse the encounter, which is what you want. It could even turn the situation into a positive encounter.

I get it. Nothing is always or never. I’m speaking in general terms here. 

This is a conscious choice on your part, though. You must be big enough to admit you were wrong and your behavior was not in their best interest. This is the first step in self-examination. Be consciously aware of your own behavior. Is it good, acceptable, exceptional, or just plain bad?

In my own life, I tended to want to control situations. That was a constant battle in both of my marriages. After my daughter passed away in 2016, I began my self-examination journey. I realized how controlling I was throughout my marriages. 

I had to stop and look at myself in a very honest way. I was a B plain and simple. I didn’t want anyone to tell me when or how to do the dishes or how to spend my time and money, yet I did that to my spouses. It wasn’t pretty.

It seems I was always mad about something because things were not being done the way I wanted them to be done. Who wants to live like that, on either side? It’s negative, it doesn’t feel good, there is a lack of respect, and just plain discord in the relationship. 

This can be prevented if we take the time to examine ourselves and change our own bad behavior. This is crucial to harmony.

We must answer this question. How are we going to respond to our significant other, our children, our friends, and the people we encounter every day? Are we going to respond in love, with respect, with understanding, with compassion, with mercy, with grace, or with self-righteousness, anger, judgment, and disrespect?

There is much food for thought in this post. I look forward to any questions, comments, or thoughts you may have. See you in the next post.